Wrecked By Reality

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Bryan's Theory of Project Addition

my friend Allie in the great state of Ootah recently posted that she had finally gotten a new bed, retiring one (the taco, as i recall, and no, Allie isn't Mexican) that was grossly past it's born on date. what she also found was that she had all sorts of needs after the new bed arrived, which she didn't apparently anticipate. cause and effect.

allow me to introduce, for the first time in public, Bryan's Theory of Project Addition. it goes something like this: you want to retile your bathroom and after you do, you realize that you should probably paint, hang new wallpaper, purchase new lighting, reface the cabinets, buy new towels and matching racks, replace the shower head and curtain, and get a different sink and hardware because nothing matches the new tile floor that has just been installed.

for a while now, i have been thinking of getting a new couch and maybe a new rocker recliner. currently, the recliner is tan, while the couch hides under a cover of forest green material that cloaks hideous brown and orange floral patterns straight out of the 70's. people who know me well know that i like to be prepared for things as much as possible, so that projects go smoothly. in thinking about Allie's situation and how to avoid her current plight, i have found the following thoughts in my head.

1. i would like for the couch and recliner to be a forrest green, the current green cover looks good and would match the matteing (is that a word?) of the framed pictures in the room.
2. my carpet is tan, and it is staying.
3. the entertainment center and accessories are all black.
4. the wicker cabinet by the door is a natural, um, wicker color, and that won't change.
5. the pillows that i have for the current couch go great with the forrest green color, so they will stay.
6. the current couch is 78" long, and that is the limit on length. a new couch would have to be that long or less because i have thought about spinning the room around 180 degrees at some point, and a new couch and chair might be the right time to do that.
7. i have an old hand me down end table and lamp that just takes up space in the corner, and might get replaced later.
8. i also have a coffee table that used to belong to my grandfather with a glass top that is great, and that definitely won't change.
9. the walls are white.
10. i do have a gas fireplace with white tile on the floor and surrounding the fireplace, and that is fine.

whew! i feel better. a little bit of analyzation goes a long way (in my world at least), but i might have missed something since i usually have that feeling. while it can be great to be focused on one thing, expanding that focus a little bit always helps to see a broader picture.

cause and effect!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Quote of the Year Candidate

ESPN's David Fleming wrote this about the NFL's Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen:

"Matt Millen is 23-70 as a GM. He's actually legally blind in his eye for talent."

WOW is that harsh! The truth hurts, as they say.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

It's Finally Over

Well, the fantasy football season is over for me and my team, Uncle Smashmouth. Actually, it has been over since the very first game of the year this year, but i digress.



The sad part is that I already have a strategy in mind for next season...

I am now off to join fantasy footballaholoics anonymous.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Tree Chopin' Good

While crusing through Amazon.com today, i found the following review for THIS Christmas CD:

Reviewer: Cletus J. "Bubba" Huckabee Jr. "Bubba" (Chesterfield County)
Now if you ask me, this is the style of Christmas music you need to be listnin' to before you go out to chop down your neighbors tree to drag it in and use for your Christmas tree because you are too lazy to go out to the state park to chop one down. It gets you in the mood for mischief. I ain't proportion that ya'll ought to go out and chop down your neighbor's tree, I'm just saying that this music will make you feel like getting' up and doing something frisky and possibly naughty. I love it. So does Mama. Junior don't like it, but that boy is as dumb as a sack of hammer (don't tell his mama I said that because she'll have my hide)

13 of 21 people found the following review helpful


13 people actually found this to be helpful?!?!

and if you happen to have a bit of time on your hands, check HERE for other reviews by this person. trust me...you won't be dissapointed!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Gift of Sight

I worte this in December 2004 after LASIK eye surgery. LASIK stands for Laser-Assisted In Situ Keratomileusis and is a procedure that permanently changes the shape of the cornea, the clear covering of the front of the eye, using an excimer laser. A knife, called a microkeratome, is used to cut a flap in the cornea. A hinge is left at one end of this flap. The flap is folded back revealing the stroma, the middlesection of the cornea. Pulses from a computer-controlled laser vaporize a portion of the stroma and the flap is replaced.

I can happily report that everything is still really great with my vision, and even though it has been two years, I still try not to take it for granted. On with the post!

Recently, I had the opportunity to have the LASIK corrective eye surgery performed. I am not really one for going to a doctor unless I have to, but after wearing some form of vision correction since the 5th or 6th grade, that option has become more desirable over the last couple of years. It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that having a laser burn imperfection out of my eyeball could be a good thing.

After making the initial appointment, the doc checked me out and said that my eyes were healthy and that my prescription was in the range of having the surgery be successful. It is hard to know what questions to ask. Will I have x-ray vision like Superman? Can I get night vision or thermal vision for no extra charge? Could they inject more blue coloring into the iris of each of my eyes? So many questions. Never once did I ask if it would be painful or if there were any side effects from the laser like what if I had a convulsion that makes my head move enough that my nose would get cut off by the laser and make me look like a freak forever?!?!

On surgery day, mom picks me up at the condo and makes me drive. The pre/post op room was neither fab nor drab. Six very comfortable recliners line the walls with a nurse's station in one corner, and one of those eye magnifiers in the other corner. Grace, the Physician's Assistant (PA) came over and asked me what I wanted, and I said, "I would like for you to numb and dilate my eyes, and that if she would be so kind, provide ibuprofen and a Valium, and some water to wash down the pills'. She complied, added some stylish headwear and shoe booties to my order, and as the Valium was taking the edge off of my tension, I sat down at the eye station and the most remarkable thing happened. The doc said that he was going to 'mark' my eyes. I thought that he was going to take pictures of my eyes or something, make a printout, and then do the marking on the paper. But this was not the case. What he did instead was uncork a sharpie-like pen, and proceeded to dab at each eyeball. I can't believe it, all this money for the procedure, and he uses a common sharpie...makes me wish I would have studied harder in school. Since my eyes were numb, I couldn't feel it, so it really wasn't a big deal.

I return to my recliner for a bit longer, and another one of the PA's comes in and asks me if I am ready, and I follow her out to a room where they actually do take pictures of my eyes. I can only guess that from there, that data gets loaded into the machine that actually controls where the laser does the cutting. After the pictures, she takes me into the actual surgery room and I lay down on the slab-like table. I realize that my life is about to change forever. I really can't see anything that anyone is doing because of the amount of blinding light that is emanating from the thing hanging above my head. And the key is to stare at the blinking red light. The rest of the time was a blur...my right eyelid gets propped open, some type of device is place onto my eye that seems to be clear...keep staring at the blinking red light...the device that follows obscures all vision for a few seconds while the flap is cut...the cutting device is removed, the flap gets pulled back, and my vision suddenly gets really blurry...keep staring at the blurry blinking red light...20-30 seconds of the laser pounds into my eye with, well, laser like precision (note: I couldn't see the laser, but I could feel the heat from it and it sounded like an arc welder)...come on Bryan, keep breathing...the laser shuts down and the flap is returned to it's proper position...my eye gets irrigated and the same procedure is performed on my left eye. The table automatically moves back out and I laid there for a minute and then I sat up and just sat there for a minute. The PA led me back to the comfort of my recliner. After 10 or 15 minutes, I crack my eyes open and look at the clock on the wall that is about 25-30 feet away...and it looks pretty clear to me. Amazing! Just like that? Mom comes back, I get my instructions, and I spend the night at the parent's house since I had to be back to get checked out at 7:40 the next morning.

At 20 hours out from surgery, I was 20/25 in both eyes. Am I dreaming? The doc says that there is some inflammation in my left eye and had me double up on the drops. 44 hours out of surgery, on another followup, I could read the 20/20 line on the chart! The only weird thing that I am experiencing is what is called the 'halo effect'. And no, this isn't what happens when you play Halo 2 for 320 straight hours. The halo effect is looking at a light and seeing an extra glow around it. It looks cool through the lens of a camera if you are looking for that kind of effect, but it really isn't desirable in real life. Friends that have had the procedure done have told me that the halos go away after a while, so that is a good sign that everything is normal so far. There hasn't been any post-op pain at all, which still surprises me, so that means that I get to save the Darvosets for recreational use...ok, not really. Just kidding. Really.

I still really don't know what to think. I can see, on my own, without any assistance, for the first time in a very long time. I never thought that a procedure like this would even exist, much less be successful on actual people. Driving down the road, the urge to laugh hits me so easily because everything is so clear and sharp. I am very thankful to God for allowing man to develop the knowledge and resources to improve on His already perfect creation.

I think that I am going to enjoy this new lease on life.

The Three Seashells

the movie: Demolition Man
the actor: Sly Stallone

recently, Stallone was asked how the three seashells in the movie worked...his reply:

"OK, this may be bordering on the grotesque, but the way it was explained to me by the writer is you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what’s left with the third. You asked for it…. Be careful what you ask for, sorry."

i for one am glad the record has been set straight.